Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
You Might Also Like
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Bros before Ohioes
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.