A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.