ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day