I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
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ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Brilliant!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Webb. James Webb.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch