20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
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people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
new record!
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My neck my back my allergy attack
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”