High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
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[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Mouse
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
a lot to unpack here
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.