Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???