Ha
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Bike is short for Bichael.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic