PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You鈥檙e my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 馃憦 dating app 馃憦 ever
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Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I鈥檓 more expensive later.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what鈥檚 the last thing you stepped on
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Um, so you鈥檙e god鈥檚 gift to women? So was Jesus鈥ook what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It鈥檚 true, I saw it with my own eyes.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
if you鈥檝e ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i鈥檇 highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….