Always a metermaid never a meter
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
It’s an epidemic…
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Feels like the fourth month in January
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.