my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.