Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
S O O N
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.