Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
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My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Sing it!
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!