An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
You Might Also Like
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Me irl
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time