If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Mood.. 😂
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.