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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..