Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.