Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
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CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Letβs get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
βNot again.β
girl on bumble: hey π ur cute but I noticed you didnβt include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i donβt see why this is important
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Quit coffee and now Iβm like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: Man, Iβm tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, hereβs nothing but Taylor Swift.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, youβre under arrest
Me: but you saidβ
Cop: I didnβt say simon says
Me: oh shit
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
john wicks are toilet candles
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, βIβm so old!β but I canβt because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe itβs the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.