*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
You Might Also Like
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake