*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Jogging has never helped my memory.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead