Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
tinder is all about the long game
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”