[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
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Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
May have had one breakfast too many
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*