dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?