Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
You Might Also Like
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“I FIXED IT!”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.