My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
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#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.