I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
let’s discuss
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”