Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
me irl
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist