Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
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him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
This is me
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you