I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
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Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I’m crying im so happy for them
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
the saddest jazz hands ever
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.