Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here