MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
You Might Also Like
channeling her this year
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient