Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
You Might Also Like
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I feel attacked.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER