My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
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“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
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Expectations vs. Reality
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*