Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?