A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
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the best thing i’ve ever made
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
The days of good grammer has went
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.