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My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Happy thanksgiving