#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
There are usually two types of merchants.