Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
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Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
hmm conte-me mais