Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I missed you with all my darts
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors