son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
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Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts