“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Breaking news:
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.