[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Fries, not lies.