[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…