“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled