After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
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Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Attacked by a mop.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Oceanography is all about current events
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Interior design 👌
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.