who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
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I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”