WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Its true…
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready