Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I like crazy people until they notice me
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.