if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
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My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
damn he’s good
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure