me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
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Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
“How’s your day going?”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds